Christmas at Barret's House
by Kirbie
Summary: Co-written with Kisaru. Barret's throwing a Christmas party. The closets are "haunted". The bathroom gets set on fire. Barret has a HAIR DRYER? And how is Aeris ALIVE? DMG and Kisaru are screwing up the whole party...yeah. And Maya, this is a ONE-SHOT.


Notes: This is co-written with Kisaru, who on ff.net basically writes stuff about Yu Yu Hakusho. This is very random, basically, and is not only FF7 stuff, but is a mix of a lot of others. Since Kisaru got her way *scowls*, there are no YuGiOh characters in this. There are, however, many other characters from random stuff. Also, there is Yu Yu Hakusho but I think it's mainly FF7 stuff. Enjoy!  
  
****************** All standard disclaimers apply.  
  
Barret has invited the ff7 cast to his house (where?) for a Christmas party. The problem is that he doesn't know that there is Kisaru in his house, waiting to torture selected- err- CHOSEN victims *hear Kisaru laughing maniacally in the background*.   
  
Vincent: ...  
Kisaru: That was beautiful Vincent!  
Cloud: ...whatever.  
Squall: That's my line!  
DarkMagicianGirl: Squall! Wrong game!  
Squall: But he-  
DarkMagicianGirl: *shakes head*  
Squall: *pouts and walks away* But he stole my line...  
Kisaru: ...whatever.  
Squall: HEY!  
DarkMagicianGirl: GOODBYE PUBERTY BOY!  
Barret: HEY! BARRET'S OFF THE TOILET, FOO'!  
Kisaru: We gotta go now. Let the fun- err- party begin! *Kisaru, DarkMagicianGirl, Vincent, Cloud, and Squall run off and no one has seen ANYTHING*  
Barret: I am in my house, waiting for party guests to arrive...foo'!  
*knock on the door*  
Barret: *opens the door* Hey! My @#$% brother!  
Cid: @#$@#% @##$ @%@ @#$@#%@% @%@#$ $#%#$^ #$$%&% @#^@$%!!!!!! (Good to see you Barret) *another knock on the door*  
Barret: *opens the door (he didn't close it in the first place!)* Hi Tifa! Foo'!  
Tifa: Hello. Been watching Mr. T lately?  
Barret: I don't wanna hear any mo' of yo jibba jabba! Go to the punch bowl! NOW FOO'!  
*knock on the door*  
Barret: Now I coulda sworn I didn't SHUT the %$&^$# thing! *opens the door* Hey Cait Sith!  
Cait Sith: Have a fortune cookie!  
Barret: ^%$*%#*! I'm too old for fortune cookies! *takes a cookie* WHAT THE ^$(%$#*%#! (fortune says, 'You're too ugly to exist! And you watch too much Mr. T! Tifa hates you! Cloud will murder you in next...millenium!)  
*knock on the door*  
Barret: I think this door is possessed. *hear giggling of Kisaru and DarkMagicianGirl in the background. Well, maniacal laughter* YIKES! I'm not gonna open this &%(^$( door!   
Reno: *On the other side of the door, Reno starts kicking at the door* LEMME IN!  
Barret: I coulda sworn I didn't send him an invitation...  
Elena: *starts kicking with Reno*  
Reno: What the hell're you doing?  
Elena: Everyone seemed to be doing it. I wanted to be popular...  
Tifa: I never got an invitation either!  
Barret: OH MY GOD, &%(^$! A ghost has been getting everyone to come here! HOW COULD I HAVE FORGOTTEN THE INVITATIONS?  
Cait Sith: Here, have another fortune cookie...  
Barret: I'm NOT ABOUT to get another fortune that tells me I've been watchin' too much Mr. T! *takes a fortune cookie* (fortune says, 'You have too much crap on the brain, so you forgot the invitations...and "two little birdies" went around going around with "invisible" invitations. Also, you watch too much Mr. T) WHAT THE HELL?  
Cid: Oh, just open the stupid-%^# $*%# *%%#^$#! *he hears DarkMagicianGirl and Kisaru giggling again* GHOSTS!  
Barret: %$*%#! This place really IS haunted!  
Reno: JUST LET ME IN! *breaks down the door* FREEZE! FBI- err I mean TURKS!  
Tifa: ...whatever.  
Squall: *takes out gunblade* I'll teach you to steal MY LINE!  
DarkMagicianGirl: *she and Kisaru are hiding in the closet next to the door* Oh man, what a time for him to come...  
Barret: Eh? Who the ^$*%# hell are you?  
Kisaru: *while no one is looking, stabs Squall*  
Squall: ARRRGH! THE PAIN!!  
Kisaru: *whispering* SHUT UP!  
Squall: I HAVE TO DIE SO YOUNG!!! AND SO MANY PEOPLE STEALING MY LINE!!! ARGH!!!  
DarkMagicianGirl: That teaches you not to teach people not to steal your line! Wait, what?  
Tifa: I coulda sworn I heard voices coming from this closet... *opens closet door where Kisaru and DarkMagicianGirl had been hiding- KEY WORD IS HAD* Hmm, nothing, I guess it was-  
Cid: THE ^$*%$#%^# GHOSTS! AAARRRGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!  
Cait Sith: You can have a fortune cookie too!  
Cid: No thanks. I already had dinner.  
Barret: But I bought alla this pizza! I'm gonna have to go eat it myself...  
Reno: *stuffing face with pizza* Did you say something?  
*knock on the door*  
"ghosts": Barret...This is the ghost...I mean...These are the ghost-S-S. Answer the door...or I- err- we will be very...angry?  
Reno: *with mouth full* But I knocked the door over!  
Barret: OH MY GOD! THE GHOSTS FIXED THE DOOR! I don't have to pay the repair bills now!  
Kisaru: *slaps forehead* DAMN!  
*DarkMagicianGirl comes back with a wrench and a few nails in her hand* Did you say something? I just like fixing stuff you know!  
Kisaru: *slaps forehead AGAIN* DAMN!  
Barret: *opens door* Hey! Cloud! Vincent! And...SEPHIROTH?!  
Sephiroth: *theme song plays*   
DarkMagicianGirl: *scowling at Kisaru* You went all the way...wherever to give HIM an invitation?  
Kisaru: Uh...Scotland.  
DarkMagicianGirl: You mean you spend 976,351 dollars on a plane ticket back and forth?  
Kisaru: Uh...I'm rich. *looks at the door, all fixed* Hmm...thinking...thinking...thinking... *while no one is looking, runs to door and kicks it down*  
DarkMagicianGirl: Hey! Now I have to go to the hardware store and get more nails!  
Kisaru: Mwahaha, now no one can knock on the door!  
*knock on the door*  
Kisaru and DarkMagicianGirl: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! GHOSTS!  
DarkMagicianGirl: *remembering* I thought we were supposed to be the ghosts!  
Kisaru: NO! JUST RUN!  
DarkMagicianGirl: *looks at her tools* Uh...okay.  
Tifa: *opens ANOTHER closet that Kisaru and DarkMagicianGirl WERE hiding in* I SWEAR I am hearing VOICES!  
Barret: Uh, Tifa, where have you been? We've all agreed that there are ghosts in here!  
*Kisaru and DarkMagicianGirl hiding in the bathroom* Kisaru: That was close!  
DarkMagicianGirl: Yeah, even us, who are supposed to be the ghosts, have agreed that there are ghosts! *snickers* Kisaru, I have something to tell you...  
Kisaru: What?  
DarkMagicianGirl: It wasn't me who fixed the door...it was...  
Kisaru: You mean... HIM?  
Red XIII: *sneezes*  
DarkMagicianGirl: ACK! GHOSTS!  
Kisaru: Naw, it's just that Red XIII dude... *accidentally backs into a wall and trips over Barret's hair dryer*  
DarkMagicianGirl: Now where'd that come from? I thought Barret didn't have enough hair to do that...  
Kisaru: ^$*(%$ ^$&^$%$! ^$*%#$&%&%^$%! Damn! *the hair dryer falls in a pool of water in the sink and...SETS THE BATHROOM ON FIRE!*  
DarkMagicianGirl: Whoops!  
Kisaru: Heeheeehee...excellent....RUN!!!  
Tifa: *kicks down bathroom door* I KNOW I heard a scream from here...  
DarkMagicianGirl: Oh just great, I have to go back to a bathroom on fire to fix the door now!  
Tifa: *gasps* THE BATHROOM'S ON FIRE!  
Kisaru: DarkMagicianGirl, just forget the door! *bonks Tifa with a chair* YOU SAW NOTHING! *high pitch voice* GUYS! THE BATHROOM'S ON FIRE! *runs off with DarkMagicianGirl*  
Soon, DarkMagicianGirl and Kisaru are hidden in the pantry.  
DarkMagicianGirl: OH MY GOD...FOOD! PIZZA!  
Kisaru: Don't...eat...that food....  
DarkMagicianGirl: Too late! *starts stuffing her face with ice cream*  
Kisaru: You're not supposed to keep ice cream in a pantry cuz it'll melt.  
DarkMagicianGirl: (in a protesting tone) Hey, I wasn't the one who put the ice cream in the pantry, Barret was!  
Meanwhile...  
Sephiroth: Why don't we all blow this joint and just watch me take my shirt off?  
Cloud: Hey, Tifa's, like, DEAD!  
*DarkMagicianGirl and Kisaru are somehow watching through the air vent*   
Vincent: ...  
Red XIII: ...whatever.  
Squall: I'll...teach...you...  
Cloud: HE HAS RISEN FROM THE DEAD!  
Kisaru: *Looking at DarkMagicianGirl* Did you do that?  
DarkMagicianGirl: NO!  
Kisaru: OH MY GOD! THAT MEANS IT WAS...  
Koenma: *sneezes*  
DarkMagicianGirl: Actually, it must've been a necromancer...  
Kisaru: A WHAT???  
DarkMagicianGirl: I dunno, I got it from a book, I think it means someone who contacts DEAD SPIRITS and starts using them to their will...  
Kisaru: And there's only one person who can contact DEAD SPIRITS and use them to their will.  
Koenma: *sneezes again*  
Botan: Are you catching a cold, Koenma?  
Koenma: NO!  
DarkMagicianGirl: Looks like we're not the only "ghosts" around here...  
Kisaru: You read too much, DarkMagicianGirl.  
DarkMagicianGirl: ...  
Kisaru: DARKMAGICIANGIRL?  
Meanwhile...  
Cid: &%%#*%! It's MAGIC! THE DOOR HAS BEEN FIXED!  
Kisaru: *groaning*  
DarkMagicianGirl: *in an innocent voice* What did I do? *shoving the tools into a counter*  
Vincent: ...Why don't we exchange gifts now...  
Tifa: GASP! VINCENT TALKED!  
Cloud: Tifa has come back from the dead too!  
Kisaru and DarkMagicianGirl: *Screams* AAAAHHHH!   
Kisaru: A NECROMANCE THINGY-MAJIGER!  
DarkMagicianGirl: Uh, actually...  
Koenma: *sneezes*  
DarkMagicianGirl: Uh, Kisaru, you have a cold?  
Kisaru: NO!!!!  
Meanwhile...  
Cait Sith: I got this for you Barret!  
DarkMagicianGirl: *hissing* The bathroom is on fire...the bathroom is on fire...  
Barret: Why thank you, Cait Sith. Huh? A hair dryer?  
Cait Sith: For your flaming bathroom!  
Barret: *sweatdrop*  
Cait Sith: Oh! And *rummages around pockets* Have...a...fortune cookie! Wait...that's a knife...here!  
Barret: *opens fortune cookie* (fortune says, 'The bathroom is on fire...is your brain that small that you can't notice that the bathroom is on fire...? Use a hair dryer! And you still watch too much Mr. T!')  
Tifa: Cloud, I got this for you...  
Aeris: *suddenly crashes in* CLOUD! I GOT THIS FOR YOU~!  
Kisaru: *takes out a bazooka*  
DarkMagicianGirl: No! Kisaru! Don't kill Aeris! It's not right! *takes out a sniper rifle*  
Kisaru: YOU STOLE THAT FROM MY GUN CHEST!  
(While they are arguing, Cloud is panicking! Because...  
Cloud: HOLY CRAP! SHE CAME BACK FROM THE DEAD!!!!!!!!  
Kisaru and DarkMagicianGirl: *drops weapons* SHE CAME BACK FROM THE DEAD??????????????  
DarkMagicianGirl: A NECROMANCER!  
Kisaru: No, it's...  
Koenma: *sneezing*  
Botan: Koenma! Please!  
Cloud: *takes the presents. Tifa's is pink, while Aeris' is brown. Hmm...* I'll open...Tifa's first because-  
Kisaru: Cloud loves Tifa best...  
Cloud: No...because Tifa gave hers to me first.  
Kisaru: ...you could turn that into something REEALY perverted. Right....now.  
Tina (Kisaru's friend who can make anything and I mean ANYTHING into something perverted): *suddenly appears* AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
DarkMagicianGirl: *yelling* GUYS THE FREAKIN' BATHROOM IS ON FIRE!  
Tseng: Let's roll.  
Cloud: OH MY GOSH! ANOTHER ONE FROM THE DEAD!!!!!!!  
Kisaru: A NECROMANCER!  
DarkMagicianGirl: Nah...it's probably just...  
Koenma: AAAAACHOOOOOOO  
Rude: We have to put out the fire...  
Reno: But first...  
Elena: I'll go get my kit!  
Reno: ...whatever.  
Squall: WHY I OUGHTTA...  
DarkMagicianGirl: Why...does...this...have to keep happening?  
(The fire jumps up the air vent and they run into the closet by the front door, which has suddenly been knocked over again...)  
DarkMagicianGirl: I'll fix it! *fixing...when suddenly...*  
Kisaru: They're coming back, I think they wanna get out! HURRY UP!  
DarkMagicianGirl: I'm fixing...I'm fixing! *Hides in the closet*  
Barret: *yanking on door* ON THIS OF ALL TIMES THE DOOR...WON'T...OPEN!  
Kisaru: *hissing at DarkMagicianGirl* WHAT DID YOU DO TO IT?  
DarkMagicianGirl: I dunno, I just fixed it!  
Kisaru: DAMN! *kicks open the door*  
Everyone: GASP!  
DarkMagicianGirl: Let's fix the door! *becomes a blaze of wind* OKAY! Fixed!  
Kisaru: *her and DarkMagicianGirl go back inside the closet* Maybe they didn't see us...  
Cloud: That was Kisaru...which means that we can...flush her out by saying...  
Zack: KURAMA!  
Kisaru: *jumps out of the closet, knocking the door down again* WHAT??!?!?! WHERE????!!!  
DarkMagicianGirl: Hey, I just fixed that! And you'll have to say something else for me! *tries fixing the door except she accidentally locks herself out* OH MAN!  
Cloud: OH MY GOD!! ZACK!!! YOU CAME BACK FROM THE DEAD!!!!!!  
Sephiroth: Well, DUH. Didn't you realize that before we came here?  
Cloud: OH MY GOD!! SEPHIROTH!!! YOU CAME BACK FROM THE DEAD!!!!!!!!  
*DarkMagicianGirl and Kisaru run in opposite directions and crash into each other*   
DarkMagicianGirl: A NECROMANCER!  
Kisaru: It's...  
Koenma: AAAAAAAAACHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!  
*his sneeze blows off Barret's roof and also a white sheet that was hanging off the roof* (WHAT?) *the sheet covers Kisaru and DarkMagicianGirl*  
DarkMagicianGirl: OH MY GOD! *Kisaru and DarkMagicianGirl run in random directions trying to get the thing off but somehow it keeps getting BIGGER...AND BIGGER...AND BIGGER! And they get tangled in it and they fall down and yell...*  
Kisaru: Ah! To hell with this! *takes out a bazooka and blasts a hole* C'mon! *runs to the closet that is locked and aims the bazooka carefully* Outta the way boys!  
Tifa: That means you, Aeris.  
DarkMagicianGirl: Why does Barret leave all these sheets out here? *trips over another one* Kisaru! That door is locked!  
Kisaru: I know! Which is why I'm gonna do...THIS! *fires the bazooka* COME ON! *starts running*  
(since they are still stuck together in the sheet, DarkMagicianGirl gets dragged along on her face)  
DarkMagicianGirl: KISBEF SHROP ZHAT! (Kisaru stop that!) *manages to get herself free*  
Kisaru: WHOAAAAAAA! *trips on stairs to the basement and they both fall down)  
(OUCH)  
Kisaru: *blasting bazooka in random directions* Let's get outta here!  
*they run out the big hole. After running past the nth house, they stop to take a breather*  
DarkMagicianGirl: Gasp...pant...pant...gasp...  
Kisaru: I think we lost 'em. *stands up* That was a wonderful torturing session was it not?  
DarkMagicianGirl: Define "wonderful" and "torturing".   
Kisaru: I don't know! Look in a dictionary!   
Kurama: I got one!  
Kisaru: *dies*  
Fangirls: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! MINAMINO-KUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
Kurama: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! *runs away*  
Kisaru: *comes back to life* DON'T WORRY KURAMA! I'LL SAVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
Cloud: OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE CAME BACK FROM THE DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
DarkMagicianGirl: It's a NECROMANCER! Or maybe...  
Koenma: ACHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *dies*  
  
  
~owari~   



End file.
